Diaries of the Locked-Jaw Girl

Filed under fun | |

Memoirs of the monkey boy

When I was young, like maybe in preschool, I was part of this school play in which I played a monkey.

It was a contest, and each class had to present a play to get the praises of the teachers, which was the most important thing in the world then. There were three of us 'monkey boys', and to give our parts justice each of us had to dress up in a one piece brown suit, wear a tail, hold a banana in one hand and clown around the stage. I do not remember my lines anymore, but I remember I had to shriek like a monkey whose balls are being cut off while playing about the stage and taunting a beautiful little girl that was 'lost in the woods.' I also had to eat the banana while I said my lines. Which was tough, considering that I had to shriek, eat, speak and jump around at the same time. The director did not bother to have my face made up, perhaps in part because I already looked like a small monkey sans the effort.

In the middle of my performance, I forgot to swallow the banana I was chewing and started to choke. Instinct kicked in, and the next thing I knew I was forcing myself to puke- which I did, and the half-digested banana landed on one of my monkey pals' face.

The audience roared with laughter at my antics and marveled at how realistic our performance were.

My monkey pal, whom I had disgraced, was too stunned to speak.

After what seemed like eternity, he wiped his face with his hand, looked at the mess on his hand, and then ate it.

Filed under childhood, fun | |

Nutrition was hardly valued in our family...

Careful what you ask of a pizza delivery man...

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Cookie Monster Soliloquy

COOKIE MONSTER
SEARCHES DEEP WITHIN
HIMSELF AND ASKS: IS ME
REALLY MONSTER?

BY ANDY F. BRYAN

- - - -

Me know. Me have problem.

Me love cookies. Me tend to get out of control when me see cookies. Me know it not natural to react so strongly to cookies, but me have weakness. Me know me do wrong. Me know it isn't normal. Me see disapproving looks. Me see stares. Me hurt inside.

When me get back to apartment, after cookie binge, me can't stand looking in mirror—fur matted with chocolate-chip smears and infested with crumbs. Me try but me never able to wash all of them out. Me don't think me is monster. Me just furry blue person who love cookies too much. Me no ask for it. Me just born that way.

Me was thinking and me just don't get it. Why is me a monster? No one else called monster on Sesame Street. Well, no one who isn't really monster. Two-Headed Monster have two heads, so he real monster. Herry Monster strong and look angry, so he probably real monster, too. But is me really monster?

Me thinks me have serious problem. Me thinks me addicted. But since when it acceptable to call addict monster? It affliction. It disease. It burden. But does it make me monster?

How can they be so callous? Me know there something wrong with me, but who in Sesame Street doesn't suffer from mental disease or psychological disorder? They don't call the vampire with math fetish monster, and me pretty sure he undead and drinks blood. No one calls Grover monster, despite frequent delusional episodes and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. And the obnoxious red Grover—oh, what his name?—Elmo! Yes, Elmo live all day in imaginary world and no one call him monster. No, they think he cute. And Big Bird! Don't get me started on Big Bird! He unnaturally gigantic talking canary! How is that not monster? Snuffleupagus not supposed to exist—woolly mammoths extinct. His very existence monstrous. Me least like monster. Me maybe have unhealthy obsession, but me no monster.

No. Me wrong. Me too hard on self. Me no have unhealthy obsession. Me love cookies, but it no hurt anyone. Me just enthusiast. Everyone has something they like most, something they get excited about. Why not me? Me perfectly normal. Me like cookies. So what? Cookies delicious. Cookies do not make one monster. Everyone loves cookies.

Me no monster. Me OK guy. Me OK guy who eat cookies.

Who me kidding? Me know me never actually eat cookies. Me only crumble cookies in mouth, but me no swallow. Me can't swallow. Me no have no esophagus. Me no have no trachea. Me only have black fabric throat. Me not supposed to be able to even talk.

Me no eat cookies.

Me destroy cookies.

Me crush cookies.

Me mutilate cookies.

Me make it so no one get cookies.

Everyone right. Me really is cookie monster.

Filed under fun | |

The 10,000th

Who are you?

Who is this 10,000th visitor of my blog?

He or she has visited the site before, and guess how he or she arrives at my blog: through a google search result of a picture of Jasmine Trias. Visitor is truly a fan, but why must it be papara-pa-pam Jasmine Trias?

It's a photo I took while I chanced upon her in a mall show in SM Makati way back. Can you see the little otter hiding inside her hair?

10,000th visitor is from San Jose, California (or at least the ISP's server is located there), and he or she uses Firefox and runs Windows Vista on his or her PC.  It's a big screen he or she is using too, like 1680 x 1050 big. His or her last visit was on Apr 2, 2008 at 6:18:35 pm.

You can't run. You can't hide. Reveal yourself! (Thunder! Flashes of lightning!)

And if you give me your postal address (through the Contact menu, not through Comment so that I'll receive it in my email) you might find a surprise in your mailbox one of these days.

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Papaya (daw)

Now that you are done laughing at some poor girl's answer in the Q&A portion of a contest in the Philippines, here's another one making waves.

Apparently, America's caught the papaya dance fever that actor comedian and ex-Captain Barbel Edu Manzano started in GKNB, a game show back home.

Now here's a duo of Filipina girls in Florida doing the dance after inhaling large amounts of rugby and downing a can of Diet Coke after swallowing a Mentos.

Filed under fun | |

Me

My neighbor Jesse (yes, my namesake, or as they say it in Thailand - "same same") took my pic without my knowing during our photography activity in Chatuchak some weeks ago, and he showed it to me.

It kind of looks like I knew it all along, but I didn't. (I also look like ass.)

And yes, my eyes are like that, right one's kind of bigger than the other. Hey, stop looking too closely, what's your problem?




***


Tomorrow's gonna be my first field work in 2008. Yes, been that long. I miss going to client locations and pestering the clients with documents I need to audit, hehe. For the past few many weeks I've been staying in my office doing planning work and wrapping up some CAATs (audit jargon, sorry).

I also just got a replacement notebook (nobody calls it a laptop here in Thailand) for work. I'm impressed that the company only gives the PCs some three or four years estimated useful life, after which they would issue spanking new ones that boot and run at lightning speed. The only thing that I wish they'd issue which they haven't is a slim backpack to carry it around, like the one I had in my previous company, so that I won't have to haul this very heavy standard-issue bag around and strain my arms. I have my own backpack but it's a little bulky and I miss that Samsonite bag I used to have back home.

Okidoke, see you at work.

Filed under fun, photography | |

Urban Ninjaaaaa!

Speaking of Step Up 2, I wanted to say in the previous post that I thought that cool Asian girl character with "the accent" was pretty funny and crazy (with cool dance moves to boot) so I tried to search in the internet for some of her dialogues, one click led to another, and suddenly I found out that the lead actor is none other than Urban Ninja! No kidding!

Urban Ninja is this guy dressed in ninja costume scaring the bejeezuz out of people in the streets. He'd pop out of nowhere and dart across the street with a trademark move- one hand stretched out and the other behind the back. It's pretty funny sight and I first watched this clip when it made its round in the usual non-work emails.

Urban Ninja! Cool!

Filed under fun, movies | |

Thinking about WP

I'm thinking of making the big switch to Wordpress.

I initially wanted to just upgrade from classic Blogger to the new Blogger, but unfortunately for me, the new blogger widgetry is just too much for my 2 brain cells to take. I would want to spend time blogging, not tweaking my theme.

And here's the deal.

I know that you're castigating yourself over and over for not getting me anything last Christmas. Well, it's not yet too late! Why not gift me with a Wordpress upgrade? Costs just 15 bucks to make me happy. Spare change, but I'm interested to know if I had any generous readers. (My username would be jsiason.)

To express my gratitude, I will let you live send you a photo of myself wearing nothing but a Livestrong wristband.

I'm waiting.

It's been a week and there's been no offer.
Die, you.

Filed under fun | |

Everybody's Doing Matt and Ben

If you haven't seen this video yet what is wrong with you?

Filed under fun | |

The Hawaii Chair

Before I hit the sack I would usually download some podcasts from iTunes for listening/viewing while I commute my way to work. One of my favorite subscriptions is Best of Youtube. You won't believe some outrageous stuff they got in there. But then again you already do.

Last Friday, en route to work, I watched this.

My favorite part was when the guy commented "It feels great on my abs." I was sure he about to say ass.

It was so freaking hard to stifle my laughter inside the train without getting weird stares from people around me. I was starting to get tears in my eyes and was running the risk of getting reported to the police as a nutjob.

I can imagine myself using this on an exit meeting with my clients.

Here's Ellen Degeneres trying it out. It's making big waves, you see.





Monggolink:

Bestofyoutube

Filed under everyday, fun | |

Twitter me

If you have a Twitter account, please tell me so i can follow you. I'm feeling homesick all the time and I would love to check out what all my friends, enemies and acquaintances are up to. :-)

Mine's at twitter.com/jessemonggo. Check out the line above the blog header, my status also shows up there.

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Referrals

Time for another round of checking how people get to my blog.

Somebody googles to know if 50 pesos is enough for a high school student in the Philippines... and lands on my blog. Whoever you are, the answer is- Its depends. Its dependot.

Somebody searches for oompah-loompah haircut... and lands on my blog. Like, what the hell?

Somebody googles "she had sex with jesse mccartney"... and lands on my blog. Must be someone trying to verify her bestfriend's story.

Somebody searches for a Golden Myanmar girl... and lands on my blog. I too would like to find a Golden Myanmar girl.


Nature's calling.




Monggolink:

Sitemeter tracking tool

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Stayed

I called in sick because of a bad cold. My personal policy is when I feel a sickness coming, I call it a day and have a good rest to keep it from progressing into something worse. I just cannot afford to be sick by myself, you know. I can hear my mom's words ringing in my ears... "Si nicicita contigo lleva na ospital, quien puede ayuda? Si ya desma tu? Quien corre busca ayuda?"

By late afternoon I feel better and decide to download some music and watch some movies on televsion.

Suddenly on HBO I hear Tagalog words being spoken. Will Arnett storms a pharmacy store and an Asian pharmacist mistakes him for a thief. "Nandito na naman sila!" he screams, while his wife goes for a shotgun. But the couple weren't really Filipino; they were supposed to be Korean, and the English subtitles were just wrong. Maybe it was an inside joke.

But nonetheless, another Philippine reference alert, my friends. ;-)


Monggolink:

Let's Go To Prison (2006)

Filed under fun, tv | |

My Certificate of Courage

Okay, I just gotta post this.

This is me, uh, soaring.

The photo's not exactly good, but this is actually a frame grab from the video that they took when I jumped.

So how did it feel? Well it wasn't that high so there wasn't enough time to actually soak in the experience. As the popular line in the news goes, masyadong mabilis ang mga pangyayari (everthing happened too fast). But springing from the board was really something. I mean, you just had to let go of everything and take the plunge.

Surreal. Try it.

Filed under fun, thailand | |

Philippine Reference Alert

If you are like me, every time a foreigner makes a reference to the Philippines, you become very alert and interested. It doesn't matter if the reference is made in bad taste or if we are being rightfully extolled, but just hearing these guys utter the word Philippines or Filipino has the effect of five shots of espresso.

So imagine my amusement when watching some deleted scenes on a Family Guy DVD I get to a clip where I hear Stewie speak Tagalog. The scene involved Bryan's gay cousin Jasper apparently getting married to a Filipino. During the ceremony, Ricardo, the Filipino, whispers to the football-headed Stewie.

Ricardo: Baby, anong nangyayari dito? (Little baby, what is happening here?)
Stewie: Hindi mo ba alam, ikakasal ka sa kanya. (You don't know? You're marrying him.)
Ricardo: Ano? Kalokohan lang yan. Nakakatuwa ka, baby. (Ha! That's crazy. You're a funny little baby.)
Stewie: Yeah I'm funny... enjoy your wedding night.

Earlier in the episode, the gay dog cries "I cant believe the wedding’s off, all I ever wanted was to get married and make a home with a skinny hairless filipino boy, isnt that the American dream?”

Hehehe.

Here's the clip:



If you are looking for more foreign stuff that mentions the Philippines, check out the Monggo Link below. It will bring you to Jessica Zafra's blog. And while you're at it, why don't you listen to Britney Spears's "Piece of Me" in which she sings about sneaking away to the Philippines. You'd like that, wouldn't you? Britney in Pinas and doing another Claire Danes.

"A cockroach! I saw one! No, not in the pictures or on a TV show! Fucking real live cockroach! In my room! And I survived! I can do anything now! I am redeemed! Gimme back my fucking babies!"



Monggolink:

Jessica Zafra notes the references.

Filed under fun, tv | |

MAXX

Because I have been a loyal consumer on contract and they want to reward me for sticking with them for 2 years, Globe gave me a free Motorola phone!

I CANNOT get over the fact that I own this really sleek and high-tech gear. And for free! Meet the MotoRazr v6 Maxx.

It is HSDPA-enabled, which is a notch higher than 3G (otherwise called 3.5G). The music quality is i-Pod like, it's got touch-sensitive music controls at the front and an Opera web browser. I don't complain much about its not-so-swell 2MP camera because I have a digicam for when I need to take really quality pictures so I'm quite content with this phone. And did I mention it's ultra-thin?

Seriously, you should get one.




Monggolink:

The Maxx on Motorola homepage

Filed under fun | |

Uplink

From Cleverest.com, here's a suggestion on how to beat that boredom spell while sitting on a plane a thousand miles from the ground:

If you bring your laptop as a carry-on, turn it on. Touch your right ear, look away and say, "Uplink. Sequence begin." Make sure your seat mate heard what you said, and when he turns to see what's playing on your computer monitor, click on this link.




Monggolink:

Cleverest.com

Filed under fun | |

Meet the Taylors

Shell, the oil company that I work for, hit an incredible milestone recently when it teamed up with Helen and John Taylor, two fuel economy enthusiasts from Australia, for the ultimate road test: to drive around the world through every condition imaginable, from sub zero temperatures high in the Alps to the baking heat of the Pakistani desert.

The aim was to complete the 28,970 km (18,001 mile) journey in an unmodified Volkswagen Golf, using less than 50 tanks of fuel. The Guinness World Record-winning stats?

78 days
25 countries
24 fill-ups
28,970 kilometers
1,303 litres of fuel
22.2 kilometers per liter


The two happened to drop by the office yesterday and I got the chance to meet them and listen to their animated stories and jokes about their travel- like seeing two naked people jogging on the street in the Outback and getting caught in a tornado. They joked around a lot, I thought John was on crack, but they were very humble and warm.

I asked Helen why they were doing this and found out that they've been on a breaking-the-record spree since God knows when. They've got a total of 34 fuel economy records- well, 35 now. Apparently, they are a real deal fuel efficiency nuts, and thanks to them, Shell proved its point of having the best fuel around, the Fuel Economy Formula which gives you much more than what the competititors offer. I mean, sure, you have Techron, but can you drive around the world on just 24 tanks? Heehee...

I know, I know, it's unlike me to sound as if I were the company's marketing spokesperson, but I got a T-shirt and some other items from John and Helen and I just want to thank them, nyahaha. They also handed out some free Shell gas cards but since I don't own a car, I didn't bother.





Monggolink:

The Shell Fuel Efficiency Challenge

Filed under fun | |

3-3-3

Was it just me who noticed that Pacquiao won this 3rd match against Morales, on the 3rd round, on the 3rd knockout?

Monggolink:

Youtube videos: Rounds 1 and 2 here, Round 3 here.

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